The Gettysburg address in 2011

Lincoln walks up to the podium, standing before a congregation of civilians, military personnel and the international press, he begins:

“Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and”, but he’s interrupted. A youth in the front row calls out:  “Dude! What’s that score you started talking about, did you score four times? Was it like, four different girls or four times with the same one?” Lincoln is taken aback, he’s not certain he understands the question, but explains that score simply means twenty.  The youth huffs, accuses him of lying and walks away, but not before adjoining “There’s no way your skinny ass scored 20 times dude! You couldn't score twenty if you were the last man on earth!  You’re full of it!”

Lincoln clears his throat, looks at his notes on the back of the envelope and continues.  “Well, where was I? Yes – conceived in Liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.”  At this a rather robust woman in fatigues and boots, who had been leaning against a tank whittling a stick with her army issue survival knife spoke up. “Hey! You in the funny hat! What’s that about men being created equal? Aren’t you forgetting something? What about women you sexist pig?” She never stops whittling the stick, but now she looks up and stares at Lincoln. “You come over here and I’ll make us equal!” She emphasizes her last statement by slicing the stick in half with a forceful diagonal swipe of the knife. 

Lincoln swallows hard. “I assure you madam, that will be quite unnecessary.” He continues, “er, conceived in Liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men” he pauses to look at the woman who has lowered her eyes to her handiwork and is listening intently. “AND women are created equal.”  He smiles nervously and scans the crowd.  A few are still listening to him, but most have started talking amongst themselves.

Lincoln continues “Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.”  He looks up from his envelope.  There are a few more people listening to him.  He chooses to ignore the two in the front row who are now discussing which two generals should have sex with each other in order to conceive a nation and just how long they would endure. He eyes the whittling woman nervously.

He continues.  “But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground.” And he is once again interrupted by a private in the back who stands up and protests “Damn right we can’t hollow this ground! If you want trenches you dig ‘em yourself.  This is not WWI dude! We don’t go around hollowing ground anymore!”  Lincoln explains that he said hallow with an “a” and not hollow with an “o” and the man sits back down complaining that if the lecture was going to be tricky he should have had some overheads or something. 

“The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract.” At which the whittling woman stands up straight and asks “Brave men? Men? Really? What have I been doing here then? ‘Cause I got the power to detract right here in my hand mister!”

And so it stands that in our juvenile, gender equal, politically correct, free speech times, Lincoln would have had to walk away for some fresh underwear and would, in fact,  never have finished his historic speech.