Airline instructions deciphered

About .02% of airline passengers actually grab the emergency instructions in the seat pocket in front of them and try to understand how they should react in case of an emergency. Here is a handy explanation.  Note that for the purposes of this explanation the airline euphemism ‘water landing’ will be replaced for the more realistic ‘crash into water’.  And while we are on the subject, someone really should tell airlines that when a passenger plane comes down on anything other than a paved runway attached to a modern airport of adequate infrastructure, it's not a 'landing'.  Here we go, first image:

While taking off, landing, crashing into nuclear waste or crashing into water, keep your seat belt fastened. In these situations you are not allowed floating lit cigarettes, cell phones, video cameras, antique ghetto blasters from the 80’s or gigantic iPods.  However while the plane is flying through the air, you may have with you video cameras, ghetto blasters and gigantic iPods.   You see, there is nothing scary or mysterious about the safety instructions. Let's continue.

If crashing in nuclear waste or water:  keep your seatbelt fastened. But note that in during these events, women may not wear shoes. And floating lit cigarettes are not allowed. 

If you are crashing into nuclear waste, without the possibility of water: you may not have floating lit cigarettes. Women must not wear shoes and men must not carry brief cases, though they may wear shoes. And, this is very important, if you feel like jumping off a ledge into flames, don’t do it!  Also if you feel like jumping off a ledge into jagged rocks, don’t! It’s just not allowed.  

Now if you are crashing into water without the possibility of nuclear waste: keep your seat-belt fastened and no floating lit cigarettes.  Women AND men may not wear shoes. And if you feel like jumping into flames, don’t do it, it's not allowed!  However brief cases, ghetto blasters and jumping onto jagged rocks are probably ok, so knock yourself out!

Once you’ve crashed into the water, pull something red and a raft will magically appear. Flip a flap and pull something red again, that doesn’t really do anything, but apparently that’s what you have to do. Now, this is very important: once you are in the ocean, firmly plant both feet on the ocean floor and use your super human strength to flip the enormous raft over.  It’s really easy, see, the guy in the middle does it all by himself.

If you open this compartment, the plane, while safely floating on tranquil, calm, and probably warm, waters, will be attacked by giant yellow arrows, so you've got to close this other compartment to set it right.

Once everybody is on board the life raft use the handy pocket-knife TSA allowed you to bring on board to cut the rope that secures your life raft to the sinking airplane. If you don’t have a pocket knife, use scissors or even nail clippers, any sharp metal object will do, just cut the rope.  If you don't cut the rope the plane will sink and drag you under the water. Remember: your only chance of survival is cutting that rope! Use anything you brought on board with you, Swiss army knife, nail files, the steak knives you bought grandma. Anything you brought on board with you will do really, your life depends on it!