I just can't give a hoot

A well dressed, somewhat distinguished gentleman walks into an UNICEF office.  He approaches the young woman at the front desk with a “Good morning, I would like to buy a fuck.”  The young woman is, as you might expect, shocked and somewhat offended.  She snaps at him “Excuse-me? How rude!” She eyes her phone and tries to remember the extension for security.  “Not at all!” the man says in a defensive tone. “You’ve been asking me to give a fuck for years, and I have! Now I’m all out of fucks to give and it’s ruining my life.”  The woman pulls out a laminated phone list and confirms that security is extension 155, she then looks at the man, “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”   “You don’t understand,” says the man.  His tone becomes depressed as he continues,  “I gave a fuck about global warming and now politicians tell me it’s a hoax.  I gave a fuck about education and now schools refuse to teach evolution.  I gave a fuck about the overpopulation problem and the church proclaims contraceptives as the work of the devil.  I gave a fuck about world peace and they elected GWB twice! I’m just out of fucks to give.”  The woman is a little more sympathetic now, but her hand remains on the receiver. The man continues with a tear in his eye “The other day my son brought home a lousy report card and I just didn’t give a fuck. My boss told me I had to take a pay cut and I just couldn’t give a fuck.  My wife said she’s sleeping with the pool boy… you see what I’m getting at.  They think I don’t care, but the problem is that I’m all out of fucks.”

“Sir, I don’t think I can help you.  Have you tried giving a hoot?” His exasperated look told her she’s stating the obvious. “Of course I have, but it’s just not the same. Once you’ve given a fuck, a hoot is just so understated. You feel like you’re not doing enough”.  She tries again, “Well, sir, that’s not really our core business, we mostly sell Christmas cards,” she points to a lovely display of cards in a corner.  “I know,” says the man with a sigh “I tried Greenpeace before I came here, they gave me a t-shirt”.  The man looks defeated as he walks toward the door.  The receptionist hears him mutter “I’ll try Washington, they sell so much bullshit, someone is bound to have a fuck or two for sale.”

from great to pathetic in a single statement

I voted for Obama and I’m going to vote for him again, not because he’s doing a stellar job, but because president Romney would be disastrous.   It’s a sad state of affairs when in an election in the most powerful military power in the world, the strongest economy in the world, the greatest advocate for democracy in the world, the choice for president is between mediocre and incompetent evil.

You might jump to Obama’s defense at this moment (‘cause if you’re jumping to Romney’s defense, stop reading and go away), saying that I’m being unfair, that his presidency has been marked by major positive accomplishments, that he has improved America's standing around the world, passed a healthcare act that aims at providing all Americans with adequate care, improved veteran benefits, ended the Iraqi war, stopped US torture of prisoners and, at the very least, scratched his head over the Guantanamo conundrum.  Yes he did all of those things and what’s more, he got his daughters a puppy! 

So why is it that during a recent interview with Brian Williams (see it here) he described the Bin Laden raid as the ‘most important single day of my presidency’?   Was Bin Laden evil? Absolutely!  Did Bin Laden need to be brought to justice? A resounding ‘yes’!  Did Bin Laden deserve to die? I’d have to go with ‘probably’ since he seemed to be an overall waste of oxygen. However, if ‘the single most important day’ in the presidency of the most powerful military power in the world, the greatest advocate of democracy in the world, the strongest economy in the world is the murder of one sickly evil man, then it’s not a really a great world power, it’s just pathetic.

Stuck in a rut

Little Red Riding Hood is startled by the little girl who just materialized in front of her.  She stumbles a few steps back on the road to grandma’s house and asks: “Who are you? Where did you come from?”  Lily can’t believe her own eyes and is just as startled as her hooded page mate.  “My name is Lily, my mother was reading me this story for the millionth time, she reads it every night, and my eyelids got heavy and I shut them…” she looks around at the damp forest, “suddenly I was here talking to you.”   

Once the original fright wears off  Ridding Hood relaxes, dusts her hooded cape and picks up her basket.  “Well I suppose it is a road, I should expect other travelers occasionally.”   Lily, who knew the story by heart, was quick to correct her erroneous assumption.  “It’s not a real road, it’s just a, a story, and aside from the wolf there really shouldn’t be anyone else here.   I’m not supposed to be here.”   Hood looks startled again, “did you say ‘wolf’?”  Lily is irritated with Hood’s ignorance of the plot, “yes I said wolf, what’s the matter with you? Everyone knows about the wolf eating the grandmother,  ‘what large eyes you have my dear’ and all that stuff.”   Hood seems surprised “a wolf eats my granny? How’s that supposed to happen? she’s safe at home.”  Lily explains, “he pretends he’s you and she lets him in the house…” but as she hears the words she finds her explanation somewhat farfetched, as does Hood who retorts “a wolf fools my grandmother into thinking he’s me and she lets him in, that’s fresh.”   “Well, it’s true!!” protests Lily.

At that moment a vivacious figure emerges from the trees,  “Hi there youngsters”  chirps the wolf.   Hood looks his way and comments on how busy the road is today and Lily again informs her that it’s a story, not a road and that this is the wolf not a passerby.  “Me a wolf? Nonsense,” cries the wolf in a self righteous tone, “I’m a traveling salesman.”  Lily cannot stand his smug lies and cuts him down immediately “a salesman you say?  Where are your products? What’s with that snout and that tail?”  Hood studies the wolf and agrees with Lily “you don’t look like a salesman.”  The wolf realizes he has hit a snag, but he’s been stickier situations, “Did I say salesman?  Yes, er… I meant I’m a er… well, you startled me and I was scared… yes, that’s it!”  He stands taller and continues “I’m the cowardly lion from the Wizard of Oz and I was wondering if you had any courage in that basket of yours.”   Lily is incensed at that bold lie “No he’s not, he’s the wolf, look at him!”  Hood examines the wolf carefully and finds his explanation plausible, “what with the snout and the tail, you could be the cowardly lion.”   Lily is almost screaming now “ There’s no lion in this story! That’s the wolf!”

The wolf continues his lion-in-need spiel  as Lily considers the entire situation.  She concludes that deception is part of his nature, a survival mechanism.  No matter what she says to him, he will not deviate from his crooked path, so she turns her attention to Hood who is about to give the wolf directions to grandma’s house: “If you tell him where you’re going he will eat your grandmother and get killed by a lumberjack, who I suspect is a operative for the logging industry; he shows up out of nowhere and makes  logging seem downright heroic. But I digress… stop talking to the wolf and let’s go back to your house. ”  Hood ignores Lily’s warnings and continues her conversation with the wolf.  A few seconds later the wolf is racing through the forest, Hood turns, waves goodbye to Lily and continues down the road to grandma’s house.

Lily sighs her frustration as she watches Hood disappear in a bend.  But she learns a valuable lesson: some people are just stuck in a rut and can’t get out, even with the help of others. Tomorrow night when she asks her mom read the story again she’ll try to talk some sense into the grandmother instead.